It would be easy to go through life never having to be held accountable for anything. Missed that deadline at work? Blame it on Jerry in accounting. Can’t drop that extra ten pounds? Well, you never really believed you could do it so, might as well have that jelly donut. Still haven’t found Mr. or Mrs. Right? Netflix, a bottle of wine, and a pity party for one will get you through the weekend. But at some point, you’re going to look in the mirror and say, I’m alone, I’m out of shape, my career is stuck in neutral. How did I get here?
Deferring accountability may seem like an easy out in the moment, but if you want to create a life of fulfillment, you’re going to have to answer to that person in the mirror. There are three ways in which we defer accountability to our vision – Blame, No Belief, and Feeling Sorry for Ourselves. Some people even reach a professional level of deferral in which they practice all three in one fell swoop. We like to call that the tri-fu*k-ta. The good news is, you can train yourself to recognize when you are deferring accountability and take actions to get realigned with your vision.
Carol works for a big advertising agency. For the last six months she’s been heading a team that’s putting together a proposal to win a new account with a major fitness company. Three days ago she learned that the company decided to go with a different agency. Carol was shocked. She was sure they had it in the bag. So when she heard the news, rather than evaluating her own performance, she began to point the finger of blame. She blamed the members of her team for not putting their best foot (feet?) forward, she blamed the agency’s management for not having her back, she even blamed the fitness company for not being sophisticated enough to understand the campaign she had created. Luckily, Carol isn’t going to lose her job, but she’s likely to find herself back amongst the rank and file rather than being trusted with a leadership position.
Typically, we blame in three different ways. We blame ourselves, we blame other people, we blame the world. When we place blame, we are opting out of vision and we’re creating something else that we’re going to have to answer to. In Carol’s case, it’s going to be losing her role as a team leader. Of course, all of us cast blame from time to time. No one is perfect and it’s easy to do. But we can learn to recognize when we’re doing it and take appropriate actions to redirect ourselves.
Take a moment and ask yourself, “When I blame myself, or others, or the world, what does that look like for me? What is my strategy for placing blame? What will be the outcome that I create? As a result of that outcome, what will I answer to over time?” I can tell you it will definitely be something other than the vision that you created, because when we place blame we opt out of what’s possible for ourselves. This doesn’t mean you should criticize or punish yourself when you recognize that you’re placing blame. I can’t emphasize this enough. Imagine the rabbit hole you could go down blaming yourself for blaming yourself for blaming yourself. Rather, simply acknowledge that you’re deferring accountability through blame, then redirect and move your focus back to vision.
Acknowledge the way you can influence and make a difference on that which is around you. Focus on what matters and the difference you can make rather than focusing on what you can't do. Rather than deferring accountability through blaming yourself, others, or the world, instead acknowledge, “I was blaming there, and I'm going to make the choice to own the situation and answer to the vision that I choose to create.”
Ben wants to get into shape. His diet isn't great and he’s been carrying around an extra fifteen pounds that he just can’t seem to shake off. He’s really good at developing a plan to reach his goals, but he’s not so great at sticking to it. He goes in cycles. For a week or two he’ll really nail it, but then the novelty seems to wear off and he starts to slip back into his old habits. By the end of the month, he’s right back where he started: Shitty diet, fifteen pounds overweight. The problem is not a lack of effort or how bad Ben wants to achieve his goal. It’s a matter of belief, or rather, a lack of belief. Each time Ben starts up his regimen, there’s a little voice in the back of his head saying, “You know this isn’t going to work, right? You’re just going to go back to your old habits eventually.” Having no belief in his ability to follow through puts Ben behind the eight ball before he even gets started.
But losing belief in our vision is not something that happens to us; it is a choice that we make. And that means that No Belief is an action that we can recognize, redirect, and overcome. If you find yourself inside of No Belief, ask yourself, “When I choose to have no belief, in what way do I opt out? Do I just simply decide it's not possible? Do I tell myself I don't have time? Do I tell myself that there are other things that are more important? Do I tell myself I’m too old, too set in my ways?” When you have a clear understanding of the ways in which you opt out, ask yourself, “How do I show up when I opt in? What are the things I do when I choose to believe in something being possible?” Give yourself reasons why your vision is possible. My vision is possible because other people have done it. My vision is possible because I'm choosing to create it, and I'm fully committed to it. My vision is possible because I can learn how to make it happen. This trains belief and helps us become aware of when we're opting out of vision and opting in for no belief.
Natalie spent most of her twenties focused on career. She wanted a family but she always figured there’d be time for that. Now she's in the second half of her thirties and the dating pool is feeling pretty shallow. Her biological clock is ticking and it’s creating a feeling of desperation. There may be no worse emotional state to bring on a first date than desperation. Potential suitors can smell it like a foul perfume and it drives them away. It doesn’t help that when she shares her woes with her friends, they shower her with sympathy and commiseration. That only strengthens Natalie’s cycle of self-pity and desperation. What she really needs is someone to kick her in the butt and say, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”
When we feel sorry for ourselves, there are several different strategies for overcoming it. Usually, we have some kind of “poor me” story going on. We’re looking for empathy or nurturing because it feels good. We feel seen in that, but it doesn't mean that it's taking us toward our vision. Instead, we're seeing how we can't do anything about reality or the environment that we're in, and we diminish ourselves in some way. As a result of that focus, we take away the possibility of creating a new outcome, and we're no longer aligned with the ability to fulfill the vision that we choose for our life.
Here’s a fun exercise to try. The next time you’re feeling sorry for yourself, go find a mirror and pout. You know, like you did when you were a kid. Get a good frown going and stick out your lower lip. I mean really get it out there, put your chin into it. You’re going to feel so ridiculous looking at your pouty face that you’ll stop feeling sorry for yourself real quick. Better yet, try it in front of a group of people. I’ll tell you right now, they’re going to laugh at you. And you’re going to laugh at yourself. Which is a good thing. It’s important we learn to laugh at ourselves from time to time. Then, get on to the business of owning the space. Acknowledge that you're feeling sorry for yourself and name it. Then, ask, “What is it going to create? What is the outcome that this is going to move me toward? What am I going to end up answering to if I feel sorry for myself? What can I do in this moment to align more fully with my vision and to move toward the outcome that I choose to create?”
Remember, accountability isn't good or bad. It's just something that is true for all of us. It’s like gravity—it simply Is. We are all going to answer to the things that we focus on and the energy that we put out. When we make this a conscious act, we simply get to empower ourselves through answering to the wonderful things that we create in life rather than answering to the things we do not want to experience for ourselves.
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