Susan was a high school tennis player, and a good one. Full ride scholarship offers from multiple universities. She hoped to go professional after college but those plans were dashed after an injury sidelined her in her junior year. After college she married, started a family, and made peace with the fact that she wasn’t going to be the next Serena Williams. Flash forward ten years later and Susan doesn’t like what she sees in the mirror or the way she feels in her body. Every January 1st she tells herself, This is going to be the year. New diet, new workout regimen, new body. By the second week of February, her plans have gone out the window and she spends the rest of the year feeling sorry for herself, telling stories about all the reasons why she can’t get it together. She doesn’t have what it takes, she’s not good enough, she doesn’t deserve to feel good.
That’s right folks, Susan is sending herself down the old shame spiral. We all know what that is, right? We’ve all been there before, know what it feels like, but what is the function of the shame spiral? Why do we choose to beat ourselves up? Usually, it’s because we’re looking to fulfill one of three things:
- We want to make it okay for ourselves (rationalize) that we’re not following through on the thing we’re trying to accomplish.
- We’re looking to get attention, for someone to say, It’s okay, you're not a bad person.
- We’re letting ourselves off the hook. Hey, it's a lot easier to do the shame spiral than to do the work it takes to change, to be better.
The thing is, feelings of guilt and shame are completely natural feelings to have. They show up for a reason, usually to let us know that we’re either doing or not doing something that’s throwing us off alignment with where we really want to be. When Susan feels guilt or shame for giving up on her fitness regimen, those feelings aren’t necessarily bad. Especially if she’s able to recognize them for what they are and then use them to motivate herself to get back on that horse. Instead, Susan wallows in those feelings and uses them to justify why she can’t reach her goals.
So where does the shame spiral come from in the first place? Do human beings just like to feel sorry for themselves? For most of us, going down a shame spiral is something that gets trained in early childhood. You come home from school with a bad test grade, you’re beating yourself up about it, and here comes mom with lots of affection, saying things like, “It’s not your fault, It was only one test, It’s not the end of the world.” Now, mom’s just doing what moms do, trying to make her kiddo feel better. But the message sent was: Feeling bad about myself = Affection and reassurance.
Now skip ahead to adulthood, you’re struggling in your career, not climbing the ladder as fast as you’d expected. You know what needs to be done to get where you want to be: a shit ton of hard work. The feelings of shame and guilt you experience are the product of knowing that you’re not doing what you could be doing to get ahead. But rather than getting motivated to kick things into higher gear, you sink into those feelings even deeper. And guess what? Here comes mom, here comes your spouse or partner, here come your friends and coworkers with their affection and their encouraging words. It doesn’t make the shame and guilt go away, but let’s face it, it’s a whole lot easier to feel bad and be praised than to do a shit ton of hard work.
When Susan was injured in college, the entire trajectory of her life was derailed. She felt cheated, robbed, like the rug had been pulled out from under her. She also carried with her feelings of guilt and shame, like she hadn’t been physically fit enough, that she had brought the injury upon herself. Her friends and family circled the wagons, showered her with support and affirmation, assured her there was nothing she could have done. And that stuff is sticky. It sticks right to your nervous system like gum on the bottom of your shoe. Because it makes us feel good, right? It makes us feel safe, and that’s exactly what the nervous system loves to gobble up.
Now, Susan was an athlete. She knows exactly what it takes to get into tip-top shape. Hence, the shame and guilt she feels when she doesn’t follow through on her fitness goals. But in the years since college, she’s found that feeling sorry for herself brings attention and affection, and it delivers a ready excuse for why she never follows through: She just doesn’t have what it takes anymore.
So how does Susan, or you, or anyone get back on track? It starts by recognizing and acknowledging feelings of guilt or shame when they present themselves. The subconscious mind is saying, “Hey, there’s something we need to pay attention to here!” But before the mind starts spinning up into a shame spiral, we need to say, “Okay mind, I see what you’re putting down, I got the message, now let’s redirect our focus and get back to what we need to be doing.”
I know, easier said than done, Joey. And that’s why we’re here. Join us for a Power Series and learn the tools, techniques, and strategies for recognizing when you're teetering on the edge of a shame spiral and then pulling out of it so that you can get on with the business of creating the results you’re looking for. Click HERE to learn more about the Power Series and sign up today!