Do you ever think about the influence you have on the people in your life? It can be easy to get so caught up in our own bulls#!t that we don’t realize the effect that our actions and ways of being have on those who are closest to us. Maybe you're in a constant state of anxiety around your career or finances. What experience does that create for your child when it comes time to ask for a donation to the school fundraiser? Or maybe you're in a pattern of shame around body image. What effect does that have on your spouse or partner who thinks you’re perfect just the way you are?
When I was a kid, there weren’t a lot of love-based emotions floating around our household. Money (or the lack of it) was always an issue. There was a lot of anger and resentment, and the effect it had on me at the time was profound. I tended to be an angry kid with a chip on my shoulder and a pretty bleak outlook on the future. It wasn’t until I had hit rock bottom (constantly broke, persistently sick, with seemingly no sunlight on the horizon) that I realized I needed to figure out my own way and that maybe it was possible to create a way of being that would have a healthy influence on the people in my life.
Let’s face it, human beings are social creatures. We need to be around other people. It’s a huge part of our evolutionary strategy. When early humans were struggling to survive on the plains of Africa, their greatest single advantage (other than their big brains) was the ability to work together. Whether it was scheming a way to take down a rhinoceros or defending against attack from a rival tribe, the ability to collaborate was essential for survival. It can be argued that feelings like love, affection, the warm and fuzzies you feel when you’re with your people are simply the evolutionary glue that makes sure we stick together. But being in constant proximity to other humans also means that we’re going to rub off on each other. I imagine when a giraffe is having a bad day, the other giraffes just continue their business of eating leaves and doing other giraffey things. But when a person is having a bad day (or week or lifetime) it can’t help but cast a shadow over everyone around them.
The good news is, we can evolve the influence we have over the people in our lives. The key is learning to manage our emotional state and, when necessary, shift it completely to be aligned with the vision of the type of person we want to be. When we are operating inside of fear based emotions, we are living with our sympathetic nervous system engaged. This is the fight or flight response and it’s responsible for feelings like anger, shame and fear. When these emotions are front and center it’s nearly impossible for them not to rub off on the people around you.
Take Burt and Hildy, for example. Burt is what you might call a “neat freak”. He is incredibly particular about, well, everything in his life. Every item in the house has its place and there is absolutely no room for negotiation. The lawn is perfectly trimmed, the hedges immaculately manicured, even the garage floor is so clean that not only can you eat off it, you can lick up the crumbs. When Hildy first met Burt, she found his attention to detail intriguing, even comforting. She had come from a family that might be better described as a pack of wild animals. Her childhood home was always in chaos with dirty clothes and food wrappers strewn around the house. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to anything. She never allowed friends to come over and was terrified at the idea of introducing a new boyfriend to her parents. It wasn’t just embarrassing, it made her feel unsafe. So when she met Burt, it wasn’t just a breath of fresh air, it was an entirely new atmosphere. He showed her that it was possible to have order. She didn’t have to settle for a kitchen sink perpetually full of dirty dishes, or drain pipes clogged with hair, or to accept that stepping in dog shit on the living room floor was just the cost of having pets. Burt was the black and white opposite of everything she’d ever known and she didn’t hesitate for a heartbeat when he asked her to move in with him.
But it wasn’t long before the bloom was off the rose. It turned out, living with Burt was like living in the sterile ward of a hospital. His frenetic energy around always making sure that everything was in its place was unnerving. He seemed to always be lurking around the corner with a wet rag and a bottle of disinfectant. She found herself constantly on edge, never really sure if she was living up to the standard. Did she stack the spoons properly in the silverware drawer? Is that picture frame at a 90 degree angle to the floor? Oh God, did I leave that water ring on the coffee table? Just being in her own home was like walking on eggshells. Except that eggshells on the floor would have been an extinction level event.
What Hildy didn’t realize, and Burt was unable to recognize, was that his need for cleanliness wasn’t coming from a productive place. It turns out, Burt came from a childhood home much like the one Hildy had grown up in. And his response was to go 180 degrees in the opposite direction. The anger, shame and resentment he felt as a child was now fueling an obsession with being clean. And the influence those emotions and behavior had over Hildy was suffocating. He had created a virtual prison with standards that were nearly impossible to live up to. And in the process it was making Hildy’s life miserable.
Burt and Hildy aren’t real people. And the example of Burt’s extreme behaviors around cleanliness is simply meant to illustrate how we influence the people in our lives. Obviously, Burt’s Martha Stewart on steroids routine would drive just about anyone nuts, but just our emotional way of being (sad, anxious, insecure, angry, you name it) can influence the people around us even more than Burt and his tool belt of cleaning supplies. If you’re living in a constant state of sadness, moping around, withdrawn all of the time, what effect is that having on your children? How is it going to affect the way they interact in the world? Or if you’re always operating from a place of anger and resentment, how does that color the experience of life for your spouse or partner? Talk about walking on eggshells. Everyone better keep their ducks in a row so we don’t set dad off. Again. The way we show up in our lives is going to affect the people around us. There’s no denying it. But influence works both ways.
When we understand that our emotional state affects the people around us in an unproductive or undesired way, a way that doesn’t align with the vision we have for our lives and relationships, we can learn how to shift it and create a state of being that provides an uplifting, aligned influence instead. We can learn to turn off that fight or flight response and live with the parasympathetic system engaged. Of course we can’t live there perpetually. There’s always going to be something in life that will trigger that fear response, but with the proper tools, techniques and strategies, we can recognize it, experience it, then move ourselves back into a love-based state. It’s from there that we can evolve the influence we have over others.
Burt might not even be aware that his fanatical expectations are making Hildy miserable. He’s so caught up in whatever emotional pattern that’s driving his obsession that he’s just following his program. But at some level, he probably knows that he’s making himself miserable. It’s got to be hard to live your best life when you’re spending all of it making sure everything is exactly where it’s supposed to be. When he realizes that his energy and expectations around cleanliness are driving Hildy out the door, Burt can decide to take a different action. He can train a new emotional state so that, even though you’ll probably never find a dust bunny under Burt’s couch, he can stop operating from the emotional state that’s driving him to be a dictator of neatness.
That’s what we do at Inner Matrix Systems. Our Power Series is designed to train you in the art of emotional mastery. We provide the tools, techniques and strategies in addition to personal training with our certified IM Trainers and a community of like-minded individuals on the same journey. Whether we’re talking about the relationship with your spouse or partner, your children, friends and family, or coworkers, the way you show up affects the experience of life for all of the people in your orbit. With the proper training and practice, you can learn to master your emotional state and your influence. Click HERE to learn more about the Power Series and sign up today!