There may be no more profound moment in a person’s life than becoming a parent. The months leading up to the big day are filled with all the feels: excitement and fear, joy and doubt, anticipation and anxiety. And that’s just on the inside. On the outside there is an enormous amount of planning and preparation, doctor’s appointments, baby showers, how-to books, and choosing a name that both parents can live with. But what happens when that little sucker finally comes into the world? Have you discussed expectations around who’s going to be in charge of what? Because for the next couple of decades there’s going to be a heck of a lot to manage.
One of our colleagues here on the leadership team just had her first baby, so in a way, we have a new member of the IMS family in the office. And it got me thinking about all the to-doing there is to be done with a new kid. Diapers, 3am feeding, the inevitable big mess at an inopportune moment. Setting expectations about who's going to do what can make or break the first challenging months and couple years of life. But then, there's more: Who's going to do the Girl Scout cookie sales extravaganza? Who is driving the kids to school, picking them up, shuttling them to practices, games and meets...and the mall! How we manage this space around who will play what roles can literally mean the difference between harmony in the household and divorce.
Of course, how the to-do’s get broken down between parents is going to differ from family to family. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. For some families, deciding who does what might be dictated by scheduling. If dad’s out the door before dawn and mom works from home, then it probably makes sense that mom handles the drop-offs and pickups from school and after school play dates or sports practices. Then when dad gets home, it’s his job to make sure homework is done, showers are taken, and bedtime routines are followed. Other situations might come down to preference. Maybe mom’s not thrilled about selling Girl Scout cookies but she’d take it over sitting through hockey practice.
Whatever the case may be, setting out expectations in advance makes for smooth sailing. And when setting those expectations, it’s important to keep in mind the criteria for reasonable expectations. Number one, Understanding. Both parents need to have a firm understanding of which tasks they’re charged with and exactly what each of those tasks entails. Second comes Willingness. Look, I know every parent loves their kid(s) from the Earth to the Moon and say they would be willing to anything for them, but let’s face it, if you’re deathly afraid of spiders and little Timmy’s greatest wish in life is to have a pet tarantula, there might be a problem. So if your spouse or partner agrees to take on the role of spider wrangler, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to get cheesed off when you find yourself cleaning the terrarium after the novelty wears off. Then there’s Capacity. What is each parent capable of doing? It may be that scheduling issues or even physical limitations make it impossible for one or the other parent to take on certain duties. Those limitations need to be laid out and made clear from the start so there are no sudden surprises. Finally, there’s Alignment with Vision. It’s crucial that however the duty assignments break down that you are both taking on your roles as parents in ways that align with the vision of the life you chose to create together.
The bottom line is, when you take on the adventure of parenting, there is nothing more important than clear communication around expectations and always making sure that you’re both on the same page. By utilizing some simple strategies and techniques, like the ones I mentioned above, parents can avoid creating unreasonable expectations of each other. Because when we hold an unreasonable expectation, WE suffer, and we create an impact for everyone around us. And when it comes to parenting, that impact is felt the most by the kids. That’s a real lose-lose.
We dive into expectations in the Power Series. Click HERE to learn more and sign up today!