Expectations: Building Stronger Relationships

Ex●pec●ta●tion  /ekspektāSH(ə)n/  noun

1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
2. a belief that someone will or should achieve something.

We all have them. Expectations of others, of ourselves, of the world. Some are reasonable, some are not. You expect your alarm to go off in the morning. As long as you set it the night before, it’s a reasonable expectation. You expect the sun to rise every day. For at least the next five billion years, it’s a reasonable expectation. You expect your car to start when you turn the key (or push the button), you expect the lights to go on when you flip the switch, you expect hot water to come out of the faucet. Again, as long as you’ve paid your bills and barring any unforeseen catastrophes, these are all reasonable expectations. But when we place them on other people (or ourselves) things can get a bit more tricky.

Take Jill, for example. She’s a world class snow skier. She loves it more than life itself. If she could spend every waking moment on a pair of skis, she’d…well, she would probably require an intervention, but you get the point. Jill loves to ski. Recently, she started dating Tammy. So far it’s been nothing short of a storybook romance. But there may be a serious bump in the road. Jill would love nothing more than to teach Tammy how to ski. The problem: Tammy hates the cold, is scared of heights, and has no interest in strapping six foot lengths of fiberglass onto her feet. It could be a deal breaker. Except that Tammy, short of her complete lack of interest in snow skiing, is everything Jill has been looking for. So Jill has a choice to make. She can place an expectation on Tammy like, “If she really loves me, she’ll learn to ski”, in which case she will probably experience nothing but disappointment and eventually hold a serious resentment toward Tammy. Or she can accept that Tammy has every right in the world to never step foot on a ski slope and, instead, enjoy hitting those black diamond runs with her best friend, Tim, while Tammy stays home and makes a big pot of soup for the three of them to enjoy at the end of the day.

Now, this doesn’t mean that we should never have expectations of the people in our lives. But having a solid understanding of what makes an expectation reasonable (or not) can save us a lot of headache. For an expectation to be reasonable, the following criteria must be met:

1. Understanding. Know it exists and understand what it is…in great detail. (Does Tammy know Jill wants her to learn to ski? And does she know exactly what learning to ski entails?)
2. Willingness. Be willing to meet the expectation, and you need to get confirmation of their willingness. (Is Tammy willing to do what it takes to learn to ski? And does Jill know for sure that she’s willing to do it?)
3. Capacity. Be capable of meeting the expectation. Determining capability is usually based on past performance or demonstration of the ability. (If Tammy knows about Jill’s expectation, and she is willing to give it her best shot, but it turns out she gets altitude sickness, or has terrible balance, or she hates skiing with every fiber in her body, then it would be completely unreasonable for Jill to continue holding the expectation that Tammy is going to become a skier.)
4. Alignment with vision. When evaluating an expectation, it’s important to confirm that it aligns with your vision. Perhaps Jill’s vision for a relationship isn’t actually to ski with her partner. Maybe it’s  to go on adventures together a few times per month. That could mean hiking, stand up paddle boarding, or a whole host of other things that don’t involve snow or cold.

When we hold an unreasonable expectation, WE suffer, and we create an impact for everyone around us. (Jill is going to be miserable as Tammy continues refusing to learn to ski and ultimately the relationship is going to blow up.) When we realize an expectation is unreasonable, we can choose to hold it and suffer and drive everyone around us crazy, or evolve it... either change the expectation itself (Tammy’s never going to go skiing but she can give Jill the time and space to do it on her own), or change the person who will meet it (Jill can go skiing with Tim while Tammy stays home and makes the soup!).

We dive into expectations in the Power Series. Click HERE to learn more and sign up!