What if it's not them?...What if it's you?!
Okay, hear me out. You've had that boss who rubs you the wrong way. Maybe they bombarded you with unreasonable expectations, maybe they were a relentless taskmaster, maybe they always smelled like bologna, hey, I don’t know what turns you off. You contemplated quitting, putting in for a transfer, moving out of state, plotting the perfect murder…okay, maybe that’s a bit much, but you get the idea. But what if I said that you, single handedly, hold the key to transforming that relationship? You'd probably call bullshit, am I right? Well, here’s how it works: In every relationship there are 3 parts - Your end, Their end, and the Relationship itself. You don’t get to decide what they bring to their end, but you can certainly influence them with what you bring to yours.
You're in charge of your end and your end only. That's the one part of the relationship equation that you can control. When you make changes on your end, you can't help but bring change to the relationship. And in the process, you may even influence change in the other person. No guarantees there, so don't hold your breath, but I’ve seen it happen time and again. So let's focus on you and what you're bringing to your end of the relationship.
Remember, emotions drive thoughts, and thoughts drive actions. So, when you think of your boss, what emotions are there? Does your stomach tighten up with anxiety? Do your teeth start to grind with anger? Maybe just a general sense of blah? Now, what are the thoughts that come to mind? God help me, if he brings up the quarterly earnings one more time, I’m gonna…There’s no way in hell she can possibly expect me to do that…How much bologna does this guy eat?
Okay, so now you’ve got these emotion-thought loops running on autopilot and they’re probably going to inspire some actions, right? Maybe you’re slumped in your chair, all attitude, not engaging in conversation. Maybe you’re fidgety and unfocused. Ask yourself, “How do I behave when I’m feeling ____ and thinking ___?” Because THAT, right there, is what you're bringing to the relationship. You're showing up with that baggage and saying, Hi, here I am with all my shit. Happy Monday.
Even if you don't use your outside voice, those emotions and thoughts are being felt by the boss on an unconscious level. Remember mirror neurons? They’re the specialized brain cells that allow us to replicate the actions, the intentions, even the emotions of other people. Like when you see someone jam their toe into the corner of the coffee table and you flinch and go, “Oohh”. Those are your mirror neurons firing, “remembering” the last time you jammed your toe into the coffee table and recreating the feeling in you. (You might see where I’m going with this).
The boss is going to respond to whatever shit you bring into the room. Oh, he’s bringing his own shit too, and that only complicates the way he’s going to react to your shit. Even if you manage to slap a smile on your face, your boss’s mirror neurons are going to pick up on other physical cues and “feel” the vibes you’re putting off. The solution? Leave your shit outside and bring something else into the room.
Like I said, you have the power here. Ask yourself what you want to feel in relation to your boss. Inspired? Motivated? Passionate? Now, what thoughts accompany those feelings? I’m firing on all cylinders…I’m ready to take on whatever they’ve got…I love the smell of bologna in the morning! (Hey, it’s called a learned behavior for a reason). Now, you might be saying something like, “That’s great Joey, but my boss is just a prick, happy thoughts and feelings aren’t going to change that.” Well, stick with me.
Once you’ve created the new emotion-thought patterns that align with the feelings you’d like to have in relation to your boss, it’s time to take them out for a spin. Whenever you’re in an interaction with your boss, put the new patterns to the test by actually feeling the feels and thinking the thoughts. You'll be training a new way of being in the relationship that will allow you to own and enjoy your experience in that relationship. Really own who you are being in that space, regardless of what the other person is bringing to the party.
Your mental and emotional state will inform your actions and those mirror neurons will come into play. Only now your boss will be seeing eagerness, curiosity, tenacity. When you’re operating inside of peace and calm and inspiration, you’ll be open to engaging in conversation, asking questions, showing interest in what the boss has to say. (Here’s a little secret: People love to talk about themselves and what they know.) The point is, when you show up ready to get shit done, your boss is going to pick up on it and you just might find it’s infectious.
Right now, you dread having to meet with the boss. Which means, at the very least, that’s what you’re serving up on a platter. A big pile of steaming dread. What else might come along with that? Defeat? Frustration? Resentment? Imagine what that looks like when you walk in the room. Even when you think you’re putting up a pretty good front, smiling and nodding in all the right places, you can’t hide that serving platter of shit you’re holding on your lap. Now your boss’s mirror neurons are firing and she’s picking up on defeat and frustration and resentment. If she walked in already carrying overwhelm or exhaustion or plain old grumpiness, you’re just adding gasoline to the fire. Not to mention, you’re not doing yourself any favors by continuing to engage in this pointless dance.
But now you’ve been training a new way of being. Now you walk into the room with your nervous system tuned up, the parasympathetic nervous system engaged, your mental and emotional states dialed in. You know what to expect from the boss when they walk in and you’re not worried about it. In fact, in your new inspired state, you have some ideas for trying to engage with them in a different way. And what do you know? Suddenly old Mr. Crusty starts to get excited about something.
I’ve seen it happen countless times before. I have a client right now who had begun to seriously consider changing professions because she couldn’t find a way to work with her boss. With our training she created a new way to be in her end of the relationship. As a result, the entire relationship evolved. Now the boss sends all disgruntled team members to her for counseling on how they can have a better relationship with him!
Now like I said before, I make no guarantees that you’re going to be running out to buy a World’s Greatest Boss mug any time soon. Without some proper training of their own, some people are just impenetrable. But why let that dictate your experience? You have the power to decide that you’re going to show up inspired, ready to create. And hey, it may turn out that you and your boss are just oil and water, and it’s time for you to look for a better fit. But you’ll be making that decision from a place of peace and passion rather than a place of anger or resentment.
So if you’re tired of waking up with a pit in your stomach at the thought of another sit down with the boss, maybe it’s time to try something new. Change the way you’re showing up and change the relationship. At IMS we have the tools, techniques, and strategies for training new emotions, thoughts, and actions. And hey, maybe start by taking down the dart board with your boss’s face on it. Just saying.
Click HERE to learn more about our Power Series and sign up today!