The other day at lunch with the leadership team, we were joking around about how we wished, when we were kids, that there was a How To manual for the key areas of life: Career and Money, Relationships, and Vibrant Health. So I figured I'd have some fun with this idea...If you're looking to create something new around relationships, and you don't know where to begin, here are some basics. I go into depth on each one of these three key areas in my Lifestyle Series, and you can tend relationships at any of our Power Series Weekend Intensives! Just like any endeavor, you've got to start with vision - what do you want to create? and Why - why is it important for you? What will it mean to you and those you love? Now that you're all lit up about creating your vision for relationships, you get to the practicals.
So maybe you’re kicking off a new relationship or you’re looking to strengthen one that you’re already in. The first step is to get tuned into the key areas of relationship that must be addressed and tended to: Finances, Sex, Kids, Family, Experiences, and Lifestyle. You need to develop a vision around all of the key areas.
Finances: As a relationship moves from casual to serious to living together/marriage, it’s crucial that everyone’s on the same page around finances. Who’s going to pay for what? Is it going to be a 50/50 split, or is one person going to be the main “breadwinner”? What kind of money do you need to live the way you want to live? If you and your partner aren’t currently bringing in the amount of money you named, that’s fine. Create your vision around where you want to be and make sure both of you are on board for what that’s going to take.
Sex: What role does sex play in the relationship? Does it have a starring role or is it a background player? Sex is different for everyone and, no matter how hot and heavy it might be in the beginning, the amount you have will wax and wane over the course of the relationship. It’s important to have open and honest dialogue about it and communicate your needs to each other. And be sure to establish at the start that just because you’re having sex doesn’t mean that you’re committed to each other for life. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve worked with who are in miserable relationships because they thought having sex meant there was no turning back.
Kids: This is a big one, obviously. Are kids an Of Course! or a Hard No! or a Maybe? Hopefully this is a subject that comes up early in the relationship because it may be the most important decision two people can make. It’s not something that should be entered into lightly or casually. If there’s no doubt in your mind that a couple of rugrats are in your future and your partner is like, “I could take it or leave it,” you might want to keep your options open. If you bring up the idea of kids and your partner makes a face like someone just put a plate of shit under their nose, I hope I don’t have to say, get out now. And let me just add, having kids should NEVER be thought of as a “fix” for a troubled relationship. Breaking up is never fun, but hurt feelings only last so long. Having a child is a life-long commitment.
Family: What role do you want to play in relationship to the larger, extended family? Do you envision yourself at the center of everything? Hosting all the holidays, the birthdays, the family reunions? Do you want to be in charge of organizing the Secret Santa gift exchange, Easter egg hunt, and summer BBQ’s? Or is your plan to move as far away as possible and limit togetherness to weddings and funerals? If you fancy yourself the Martha Stewart type but your partner is more cabin in the woods, you might not be the best match.
Lifestyle: If you’re being honest with your partner from the jump, then this is probably something that will become obvious as the relationship develops. Are you home bodies or social butterflies? Are you primarily cooking at home or eating out most nights? As the relationship grows more serious, like living-together-type-serious, there may be a need for more conversation. Like, how are you managing household chores? Are you doing it yourselves or hiring a chef and housekeeper? Are you a make-the-bed-every-morning type, or a we’re-just-getting-back-in-tonight-leave-it-a-mess type? Are you okay with dirty laundry on the floor or is it straight into the hamper? These may seem sort of petty on the surface, but if you’re not on the same page about the little things, a pair of sweaty gym socks on the bathroom floor might just become the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Experiences: Again, something that may become clear organically, but always best to communicate early and often. What are you into? What are you doing together? Are you an outdoor adventure type, or more museums and the ballet? Or maybe your perfect night out is actually sinking into the couch with some snacks and your favorite show? You don’t want to get to a point where your partner is looking forward all week to hitting the town Friday night and the only thing on your mind is what’s next in the Netflix queue.
NOW, armed with all of your particulars, you've got to get out there and meet people. When you do, here's my prescription for a timeline:
0-6 months–Build friendship, get to know each other.
6-12 months–Verify compatibility and whether or not the match makes sense.
1-3 years–Confirming compatibility. It seems like this is a great match and I'm committed to trying it on to make sure we are actually compatible.
Post 1-3 years–Full commitment.
You can deep-dive into Relationships at the Power Series. Join us for a weekend program and get ready to take your relationship to the next level. Click HERE to learn more and sign up today!