…Keep your trap shut. Or something like that. The point is, keep the unproductive stuff to yourself. If you have a valid criticism or a genuine disagreement, it’s not time to start dropping insults and f-bombs. It’s not time to go gossiping behind the other person’s back, riling up the villagers. Instead, approach the situation using affirming language. People are much more open to listening to even the harshest of criticisms when it’s presented as support rather than condemnation. Training a practice of affirmation is not only productive for problem solving, it develops a way of being that will boost all aspects of your life.
Being a team leader is challenging. Deadlines to meet, people to manage, clients to appease. There are times when the stress can feel unbearable. So when Trevor in Shipping sends 14,000 units to Austin, Minnesota instead of Austin, Texas, the spike in blood pressure almost pops your head right off your shoulders. Most people would probably understand if you kicked down the door to Shipping and demanded, using very colorful language, Trevor’s immediate resignation. It might feel good to let the steam out, but is it going to get you the results you want?
Before you unleash a tirade on Trevor, take a minute to breathe, calm the nervous system, bring yourself back to a productive, love based state. When Roger storms into the office with an outburst of very explicit descriptions of Trevor, don’t pile on. Remind Roger, and yourself, that Trevor is usually on the ball, he’s an asset to the company, and no doubt made an honest mistake. Take the same message to Trevor, let him know he’s appreciated and the work he does is valued, so when you also say, “We’re gonna make sure this doesn’t happen again, capiche?” it’s going to resonate with Trevor in a more productive way than just yelling in his face.
And as I mentioned earlier, affirming others is a powerful tool beyond conflict resolution. Make it a practice to affirm the members of your team rather than just pointing out what could be done better. Let Donna know that you see her eagerness and determination, that you recognize what she brings to the team. Give Chad an ‘atta boy, you’re doing a heck of a job. Gather the whole team together and make sure they know how much you value the job they’re doing. Like the saying goes, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You can manage like an army drill sergeant and that’s going to produce a certain result. Or you can affirm and build up your team and that’s going to create an entirely different result.
The same principle applies to relationships. Train a practice of letting your friends and family know how much you appreciate who they are in your life, even the people who can sometimes be a challenge. The holidays are approaching, a great time to try it in action. You know your father-in-law is going to bring up politics, and his are very different than yours. You’ve gone back and forth before and always ended up in the same place: angry and resentful. Then it becomes a thing between you and your spouse on the drive home. And all for what?
Try a different approach. When it comes up the next time, be mindful of it, hold your state. Let your father-in-law know how much you respect his opinions, how passionate he is, and excuse yourself from the conversation. Let him go at it with Uncle Jerry. When your sisters corner you in the kitchen to gossip about the new girl your cousin brought to the party, don’t get sucked into it. If you do share thoughts about your cousin and his new arm candy (first, don’t call her arm candy), use affirming language. Sure, he’s never shown up with the same date twice, he’s a discerning guy. He knows what he’s looking for and he’s not going to settle for anything less. We should all be so thoughtful about entering into a relationship.
Here’s how we at IMS define the practice of Affirming Others: If you choose to share about others, share affirming, kind, supportive comments only. Don’t gossip, instead affirm others. And hey, it’s not always easy. People are people, right? We get frustrated, we get angry, we get resentful. And I’m not suggesting those feelings should be stuffed away or ignored; that only creates bigger problems down the road. Instead, train the tools you can use to address these challenges productively, to make sure that you’re staying aligned with Vision. One of those tools is a practice of affirming others. I promise you’ll find a little kindness goes a long way.
One of the places we train principles like Affirming Others is our Apprentice Program. Click HERE to learn more about the Apprentice Program. And as always, join us for our Power Series where we train the tools, techniques, and strategies that will keep you aligned with your vision for the life you want to create. Click HERE to learn more and sign up today!