The call came during Mark’s lunch hour. Caleb was in the principal’s office, again, this time for getting into a fight during lunch, and would be suspended from school for three days. Mark was livid. He told the boss he had a family situation to deal with and left work early to suffer the humiliation of perp-walking his twelve-year-old son out of the principal’s office for the third time this year.
“What were you thinking?” Mark said as they pulled out of the school parking lot.
“It wasn’t my fault,” Caleb said. “The other kid cut in front of me in the lunch line.”
“So you punched him? Totally unacceptable. You don’t start a fight every time someone does something you don’t like.”
“But I–”
At that moment, a car in the next lane over cut in front of Mark, nearly sideswiping the front end of the car. Mark slammed on the brakes and unleashed a torrent of obscenities, some of which Caleb wasn’t even sure were real words. Seconds later, they came to a red light, and Mark pulled up beside the offender, lowered the window and continued his verbal assault. The other driver was a mousy little guy who refused to even glance in Mark’s direction and hooked a quick left turn as soon as the light turned green.
Now, I don’t have kids. That’s a choice I’ve made for my life. But I’ve spent the better part of twenty years working with people and a lot of them have been parents. I’ve also worked with lots of kids of all ages, both in training martial arts and in the work we do here at IMS. The little scenario above is an example of a classic pitfall I’ve seen nearly every mom and dad step right into, almost like a right of passage to becoming a full-fledged parent. It’s the cardinal sin of Do what I say, not what I do.
This may be the single most common issue I see with parents who are at their wit’s end. “I just don’t understand why they behave like this.” To which I usually say, Let’s start by taking a look in the mirror. See, you can tell a kid what to do or what not to do until you’re blue in the face, but if you’re not following the same set of rules that you’re preaching, then you may as well be talking to a rock. Kids are mimics. That’s how they learn. If you want to teach your child how to fry an egg, you don’t just tell them how to do it and then leave them alone with the box that makes fire. You show them by frying an egg yourself and making sure they understand how to do it safely before letting them try it for themselves. And even then, you’re going to watch over their shoulder the first couple times to make sure they know what they’re doing.
So why would the way they behave be any different? Kids follow the example that is set for them. You can preach all you want about the importance of healthy eating, but if you’re doing it while sipping on a super-triple-gulp of Mountain Dew, what message are you actually sending? You can tell your children that they are to respect other people, but if you sit at the dinner table every night bitching about how incompetent your boss is and how the neighbors across the street picked a stupid color to paint their house and how the guy at the gas station could at least learn to speak English, don’t be surprised when Mrs. Hendershot calls to say that little McKenzie is being disrespectful to other students. And if you fly into an obscenities laden tirade every time you think someone looked at you funny, good luck telling Caleb he’s not to get into fights on the schoolyard.
Close on the heels of Do What I Say, Not What I Do is the old chestnut, Because I Said So. This one is easy to fall into because it serves as an argument stopper, right? It would be nice if, as soon as they’re old enough to hold a toothbrush, you could just say, “Okay, now brush your teeth twice a day” and never have to touch on the subject again. But of course, it doesn’t work that way does it?
“Brush your teeth.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so.”
Which probably gets you an eye roll, slumped shoulders, and stomping feet as they head off to the bathroom. Ultimately you got the result you wanted, teeth brushed, but it doesn’t help your child to understand why dental hygiene is important for their health, for their appearance, and for your pocketbook. The truth is you can't really get a child, or anyone for that matter, motivated to do something unless and until they understand WHY and what it will mean for them.
Then there are the helicopter parents. These are the moms and dads who think they’re helping their kids by doing everything for them. Hey, everyone wants to make life easy for the ones we love, especially children. No one wants to see their child hurting or struggling. But if you create a world in which they never feel pain, they never fail, they never make a mistake, you might think you’re really nailing it as a parent, but you’re not doing your kids any favors. The real world is full of challenges, road blocks, and opportunities to fail. Part of growing up is having those experiences and learning to manage them. Doing everything for your child is NOT a form of love or service. It's ultimately disempowering and crippling.
If Junior stays up all night watching YouTube videos instead of studying for the AP exam, you might be tempted to excuse him from school, stay home from work, and spend all day quizzing him for the test. But what’s the message being sent? That Junior can F-off all he wants and mom or dad will be there to pick up the pieces. Then what happens when he’s thirty and facing a deadline at work? The best thing you can do is let him go to school and fail the test miserably. Then you can have a conversation about responsibility and accountability. You can help create a better game plan for the next exam. But in the end, they need to make the choice to succeed or fail, and they need to take account for the choices they make. Sometimes you just gotta let them fall and skin a knee.
You might be saying to yourself, That’s great, Joey, but it’s a helluva lot easier said than done. If that’s the case, I invite you to join us for a Power Series program. It’s a great opportunity for you to take a deep dive into the challenges you may be having as a parent. And if you don’t have kids yet, we can help you develop the tools, techniques, and strategies you’ll need when your own little bundle of joy arrives. Click HERE to learn more about the Power Series and sign up today!