The doctor just kept going on and on, so now Yvonne is racing across town, pushing the limit on several traffic laws. Her mother, riding shotgun, doesn’t miss an opportunity to comment on it. They were coming from a follow up visit to mom’s neurologist for the results of a recent blood test, an appointment that was supposed to last about fifteen minutes but went on for over thirty. Yvonne has to get her mom back to the senior home, then pick up her teenage daughter, Kelsey, from school, drop her at soccer practice, back across town to Whole Foods to pick up the prepackaged meals her dad likes, stop by his condo to visit and stock the fridge, then back to the sports complex to pick up Kelsey and book it home to make dinner.
The next day will be much the same, except it’s a cardiologist appointment for dad, a Zoom meeting with Medicare to straighten out a billing issue with mom’s medication, more soccer for Kelsey, and, sometime between dinner and a badly needed bubble bath, there are college applications to fill out with her son, Bryce, who’s graduating from high school this year. And the day after that? Well, more of the same. In fact, there’s hardly a moment in a day that Yvonne isn’t thinking about, or tending to, the needs of either her children or her parents. And what about Yvonne’s needs? That’s a question she’s been asking herself more and more lately.
I don’t have kids of my own. But I do have parents, and I think about the time in the future when their needs will increase and about the role I choose to play in that new season. A kind of role reversal. We come into life dependent on our parents; in many cases, parents transition out of life dependent on their children. And I’ve worked with many clients who come into this season of life while still raising children of their own. It’s the kind of thing that can (and often does) creep up on a person. Suddenly you find yourself sandwiched between aging parents and developing children, and whereas the ingredients of the sandwich may be the people you love more than anyone in the world, let’s face it, even the most delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich can be hard to stomach every single day.
Yvonne’s parents divorced while she was in college. It was a difficult time for her and her brother and sister, who were still living at home. Yvonne didn’t want her parents to split up, but she was also out in the world, creating a life of her own, and she was old enough to understand that people and relationships are complex. If her parents didn’t want to be together anymore, she wasn't going to throw a party and celebrate, but she also wasn’t going to hold it against them. Her siblings, on the other hand, weren’t so forgiving. Now, almost twenty years later, Kenny and Rhonda still have strained relationships with Barb and Phil, and Yvonne, who carries guilt for having missed most of the ugliness of the divorce, is single-handedly trying to manage her parents’ lives, support her kids, and keep her own marriage from imploding under all the pressure.
Now, there’s an awful lot we could unpack here. Feelings that have gone untended, emotional patterns that were created over years between parents and children and siblings. This is the kind of work I do everyday. But in the meantime, there are things Yvonne can start doing now so that she can continue caring for and supporting her family without losing herself in the mix. In short, it’s all about expectations and boundaries.
For most of human civilization, the typical family unit consisted of at least three generations living under the same roof. If you were to go back to, say, medieval Europe, you’d likely find a scenario like this: A couple marries and the new wife goes to live with the husband in his parental home to start a family of their own. The grandparents help with raising the children while the parents work in the fields and tend to their daily duties. As the children get older, the parents’ focus shifts to caring for the aging grandparents until they pass away. Finally, the children are old enough to get married themselves and the cycle repeats itself.
Now keep in mind, in medieval Europe, most people started having children when they were still nearly teenagers themselves, and as a grandparent, if you lived past 50, you were ancient. So the timelines were a bit more compressed than they are today, but we can imagine the thoughts and feelings of a parent caught between caring for the generation below and the generation above were probably pretty similar to what Yvonne is going through today. I can picture a peasant farmer’s wife, stirring up a pot of gruel with a couple of screaming kids at her feet, an ornery father-in-law calling for a refill of mead, and thinking to herself, what about my life?
The more things change, the more they stay the same, right? The paradigm has shifted a bit, but if you have children and parents, you may find yourself, at some point, with needs to be tended on both ends at the same time. Luckily, you don’t have to do it in a two-roomed hut made out of wood, mud, and straw. While there are still many places in the world where you’ll find three generations living under the same roof, it’s not as common here in the U.S. In fact, it’s not unusual to find children, parents and grandparents who don’t even live in the same state, let alone the same house. Which can actually make things even more dynamic. At least if grandma lives in the spare bedroom, you don’t have to pack up the whole family and fly to Florida just to check in on her.
Yvonne’s mom and dad both live within a couple of square miles, which is helpful, but it doesn’t do much to ease the challenge of parenting her children while also parenting her parents. Mom’s cognitive decline means she now lives in a full care facility, which doesn’t come cheap. Medicare covers some of the cost, mom’s meager savings chip away a little more, but the rest is handled by the siblings. Dad’s able to take care of himself for the most part, but if it wasn’t for Yvonne bringing those prepackaged meals from Whole Foods, he’d mostly subsist on beer and beef jerky.
Which brings us back to those expectations and boundaries I mentioned earlier. First up, Yvonne can get clear for herself on what she is and isn’t willing to do—she can set a vision for how she wants to show up with and for her parents. From there, some direct communication needs to occur, both with her parents and her siblings. Together, they can identify the gaps that need to be filled and make a plan to address them.
She may have some tuning up to do with her children as well. She can communicate that they’ve all entered a new phase of life. She can empower them to take on more responsibility for themselves, which, in truth, is the job of parenting—you want to raise adults, not children, right? Of course she’s not going to just leave them to fend for themselves, but she can train them to start managing their own affairs, and help them learn from their inevitable missteps. At 15 and 17 years old, learning to manage themselves while still under the comfort of their parents’ roof will pay big dividends when they head off to start their own lives.
With some boundaries and guidelines in place, Yvonne can release some of that pressure that’s been building over the last several months. And maybe she can actually start to find some joy in the time she gets to spend with her parents in their waning years. Conversations she always meant to have, questions she always wanted to ask. Rather than looking at this new chapter of life as some kind of prison sentence, she can look at it as a way to know her parents in entirely new ways. And she can provide a solid example for her own children who will learn that through setting clear expectations and managing those expectations through boundaries, you can own and thoroughly enjoy your experience of life. Now that’s an act of parenting you can be proud of.
Does Yvonne’s story touch a nerve for you? Whether you’re already there or you see the day on the horizon, it’s never too late to get yourself and your loved ones prepared to thrive through transitional times. Start thinking about your own boundaries, what you’re willing to opt in for and what you’re not. The way you approach this dynamic season of life is entirely your creation—you can (and should) advocate for yourself even while stepping in to provide care and support in whatever way makes sense for you.
Join us for a Power Series program and we’ll get you all tuned up on expectations and boundaries—what they are, and how to define the ones that align with your vision. Click HERE to learn more about the Power Series and sign up today!