Relationships are one of the hottest topics for clients at our Power Series Weekend Intensives. Relationships of all sorts. Mothers, brothers, children. Bosses, coworkers, clients. Kevin in HR. In our last installment of You + 20, we looked at relationships in this larger context. Specifically how to nourish existing relationships and cultivate new ones so that we surround ourselves with a community of people in which we can thrive. If you missed that one, you can check it out here. This time around we’re going to focus on your romantic relationship as it's such a big piece of the relationship pie and because of the amount of exposure you have to the person occupying this spot in your life. I’ve worked with couples who have been together for 20, 30, 40 years! And let’s face it, I don’t care how “perfect” you are for each other, spending 40+ years with the same person, living under the same roof, sharing the same bed, there are going to be challenges. If you’re not paying attention and putting in the work, those challenges can break even the strongest of bonds.
Before we go any further, let’s take a closer look at what exactly we’re talking about. Let’s say you’re in your mid to late-twenties (earlier for some, later for others), you’ve dated, you’ve been in relationships that showed you what you’re NOT looking for, you’ve been around the block a time or two, and then…you meet The One. You know the drill: the fireworks, the butterflies, the sleepless nights. You can’t keep your hands off each other and every moment apart is a thousand daggers through your heart. Everybody loves that part and everybody is sure those warm and fuzzies are going to last forever. Then time passes, life happens, the relationship settles in. Suddenly the little clicking sound he makes while he reads a menu isn’t as adorable as it used to be. Or you learn that her carefree, live and let live lifestyle (which you found so refreshing and exciting in the beginning!) also includes leaving wet towels on the bed.
If these two were characters in a romantic comedy it would be adorable and hilarious and even though the relationship would come right up to the brink of destruction, in the end, after some help from a whimsical gypsy, they would realize their love transcends such petty things and live happily ever blah, blah, blah. But real relationships in the real world, at least the ones that are fulfilling and stand the test of time, are a little more complex than that. And that’s okay. I’ve worked with so many clients who have decided that any little turbulence in their relationship means the whole plane is going down in a flaming wreck. To which I have to say, “Barbara, you’ve been sharing space with the same man for twenty-five years, do you really believe you’re unhappy because Gary insists on composting the coffee grounds?”
Because the truth is, if you're in a relationship that’s struggling, it has nothing to do with the things you bicker about. It’s far more likely that you’ve become unaligned with each other’s vision for life, or maybe, you were never very aligned in the first place. One of the things I share with participants at our Power Series Weekends (and it never fails to create a response in the room) is this: You get to pick the What; you don't get to pick the Who. But wait, Joey Klein! I want MY person. I just want her to be better and different. Well, good luck with that. You’re never going to bend someone into the shape you want them to take. Much better to find someone who’s already game for the same adventure as you.
Romantic relationships are intricate because they encompass so much of our lives. I mean, sharing a bathroom with someone for 40 years is nothing to sneeze at. If you’re going to pick the right partner, you need to first have a clear vision for what you want your life to look like. Do you want to live in a high-rise in the city, enjoying all the energy and culture that setting has to offer? Do you long for a remote cabin in the woods, off the grid? Or are you all about the cozy convenience of a planned community in the suburbs with access to great schools? You could try to bring a city-gal to the suburbs, or an outdoorsman to Manhattan, but chances are that's not going to go so well.
Relationship encompasses lifestyle. You’ve got to be on the same page when it comes to the big things and at least in the same chapter for the little things. I mean, you’re never going to find a carbon copy of yourself, and let’s be honest, who would want that anyway? The point is to find someone that’s aligned with your vision. That includes: Kids or no kids? Pets? Chinese takeout or Indian? Vacay or Staycay? What kind of wealth do you want to build? What are you doing in your leisure time? How much time do you spend with friends and family? And I could go on and on. In fact I've got an entire course on relationships where we tackle each of these aspects. But for now, I think you get the point. “Falling in love” feels great when you’re in the middle of it. But when those happy chemicals in your brain balance out again, you want to make sure you’re with someone you can build a fulfilling life with.
Finally, when you’ve found the peanut butter to your jelly, the peas to your carrots, the tacos to your Tuesdays (we get it Joey!), and you set out on your life journey together, there are three questions that can serve as a light to guide your way: How are we Being together? What are we Doing together? What do we Have together? And so when you cast out 20 years, what does the 'Being' look like? I feel love and connection 90% of the time. I feel passion and compassion in my relationship. How about the 'Doing'? We're physically active together, doing a workout or hike together at least once per week. We host a family reunion for the kids and grandkids every summer. We prioritize dinner together most nights and share about our day. And finally, the 'Having'? We achieve financial freedom by the age of 60. We have a condo on Maui. We have our dream house with a chef’s kitchen and home gym.
As the months and years and decades go by, keep asking the questions. Evaluate. Are our wants and needs still the same? Have they changed? Have we changed? Do we need to make some adjustments? If we don't ask ourselves what's important and name what we want...we’re still going to end up somewhere. And we might not like where that is. Instead, train the capacity to name and fulfill vision so you end up with a relationship better than you could have imagined…year after year after year. You can start now by joining us for one of our Power Series programs. Click HERE to learn more and sign up today!