Tim and Jennifer have been together since college. They were both 25 when they got married, had two kids by the time they turned 30. Tim was recruited by a financial management company right out of college and makes a very good living, enough to support the family three times over. They had agreed that Jennifer would stay home with the kids until they started school and then she would pursue her dream of a career in politics. Now their children are getting ready to start middle school, Jennifer’s plans for a political career are still sitting on the launch pad, and the friction between Tim and Jennifer is getting hot enough to set the relationship on fire.
Jennifer feels tricked and disrespected. Tim doesn’t actively discourage her from pursuing her dream but he’s not exactly supportive either. Jennifer doesn’t know how to communicate her frustrations to Tim so instead, it comes out in other ways. They bicker and argue over silly things. They don’t make an effort to spend time with each other apart from the kids. Their sex life has become almost non-existent. If you ask Tim, he’d say he doesn’t know what’s going on. He thought he’d done everything right. He’s worked hard, he’s provided for his family, and he loves his wife. Sure, Jennifer used to talk about doing something in politics, but he thought she loved being a stay-at-home mom. Besides, who actually wants to work in politics? Bottom line is, Jennifer’s not communicating, and Tim’s not paying attention. So what’s going on here?
At IMS we train the tools, techniques and strategies for managing our thoughts, emotions, and actions in the key aspects of life. We define those aspects as: Career/Finance (Money), Health and Vitality (Body), and Relationships (well…Relationships). I hesitate to prioritize any of these aspects over the others but, let’s face it, you can have all the money in the world and be healthy as a horse, but it doesn’t amount to much if you don’t have someone to share it with. And it’s hard to share our life with someone else if we don't know how to be in a relationship.
We're all programmed with beliefs around relationships. Most of them, we didn't choose; we inherited or absorbed them from the people around us. You were handed down beliefs about relationships that you carry around with you today, even if you don’t realize it. And a person’s history and their beliefs around relationships don’t always align in the way you might assume they would. I’ve worked with clients who were raised in the most broken of households but have the healthiest alignment with relationships I’ve ever seen, and I’ve worked with people whose parents were the very definition of stability but have beliefs around relationships that are leading them in the opposite direction from where they want to go. It’s not so much about your experience in relationships as it is about the emotions that were transmitted to you from your parents, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, anyone of influence when you were growing up.
Both Jennifer and Tim were raised in pretty typical middle-class American homes. Both of Jennifer’s parents worked and she was instilled with the belief that women can be every bit as career oriented as men. Both parents encouraged her to go to college and to pursue whatever she was passionate about. What Jennifer didn’t learn was how to communicate. There were no written rules about it, but talking about your feelings was a no-go in the Mitchell household. The message Jennifer received was that talking about unpleasant feelings was uncomfortable, scary, and inappropriate. This had never surfaced as a problem for Tim and Jennifer because, for the most part, they’d been perfectly happy. Until Jennifer was ready to start the next journey of her life. Tim doesn’t seem to be so enthusiastic and Jennifer has no idea how to tell him exactly how she feels about that.
Tim’s parents were more what you might call “traditional”. Dad worked, mom stayed home. It was never openly spoken about, but the message Tim received was that the man provides and the woman takes care of the children. Tim would tell you that he fully supports his wife, or any woman, in pursuing anything she wants. He’s a modern man after all, not a chauvinist who thinks women should spend their lives at home, barefoot and pregnant. But when Jennifer starts talking about starting this new phase of her life, there’s a feeling there he doesn’t quite understand. There’s some anxiety there, a feeling of disjointedness, like everything is about to come apart at the seams. He doesn’t like those feelings so he ignores them and just hopes that Jennifer will eventually come to her senses and realize how much she loves being a stay-at-home mom.
What’s happening here is not a mystery. Tim and Jennifer could navigate their way through all of this, they just need the proper tools. And they need to understand that they’re not really up against each other. It’s their nervous systems that are getting in the way. See, Jennifer wants Tim to know she doesn’t feel supported, that she feels he betrayed their original agreement. But that means being vulnerable and talking about things that might get uncomfortable, even downright ugly. And her nervous system, trained to stifle uncomfortable feelings, is having nothing to do with it. So instead, she pushes those feelings down, avoids having the conversation, and then ends up completely losing her shit because Tim washed the darks and lights together.
For Tim’s part, he wants Jennifer to be happy, to have whatever she wants, to do whatever she wants. But when it comes right down to it, those unsettling feelings start poking at his insides. If Tim had the training to understand how the nervous system works and how it was programmed during childhood, he would see those feelings have nothing to do with Jennifer wanting to run for the school board. It’s because the beliefs implanted in his subconscious are being challenged and his nervous system interprets that as being something dangerous. Something to avoid at all costs. “The Bear” as I like to say at Power Series programs.
We all have our belief systems around relationships and what creates those beliefs is different for everybody. But because our relationships play such a huge role in our quality of life, it’s crucial that we are aligned in our relationships in a way that will move us toward the vision we hold for our life. The good news is, it doesn’t matter what those emotional patterns are because you have the ability to change them, to evolve them. I’ve put together a Belief Matrix around relationships based on beliefs that have served me very well. It goes something like this:
I bring love and acceptance to my partner. I affirm my partner in my thoughts, words, and actions. I always show respect, I never expect it. I freely and consistently express gratitude and praise. I show kindness every day. I am responsible for my emotions; no one else is responsible for my emotions.
These are the principles and ideas that guide me in my beliefs around relationships. And I’m not suggesting that it’s easy. It’s going to take work and intention and actually learning to communicate fairly and compassionately with your partner. You can use the ideas in my Belief Matrix above or you can create your own. Or better yet, let's do it together at a Power Series Weekend Intensive! When you attend a program, you’ll have the time to dive deep into your emotions and beliefs around relationships. Learn to explore them, understand them, where they come from. Train yourself to recognize when those patterns are presenting themselves and then shift to the patterns of your own design. We can help you to develop a new belief matrix around relationships and guide you through the process of implementing it. Click HERE to learn more about the Power Series and sign up today!