Guillermo is tying himself in knots. It’s hard to be several different people in the course of a day, but that’s what Guillermo does. He doesn’t have a multiple personality disorder; it’s more like he’s a chameleon. At work, he goes by Gil because he thinks his coworkers will be more accepting of an American sounding name. With friends and family, he goes by the more traditional nickname, Memo, because that’s what friends and family have always called him. He doesn’t like either name, he’d like to just be called Guillermo, but he couldn’t possibly tell anyone that. People at work would probably think he’s trying to be some kind of woke a-hole, and his friends and family would say, “Look at Memo, trying to be uppity.” Because Guillermo cares a lot about what other people think of him. A lot.
It’s not just his name. It’s how he dresses, how he speaks, how he carries himself. Guillermo is constantly aware of the person he’s being in any moment, and that person is constantly changing depending on whatever environment he’s in. Again, Guillermo isn’t crazy, but if he keeps going like this he’s going to get there eventually. No, Guillermo is suffering with almost paralyzing insecurity. But where does insecurity come from? What drives it? And what can we do about it so that we drive with confidence and empowerment in the things we do?
If you pay attention when you’re feeling insecure, you’ll notice the mind is doing a few key things. I call them Emotion Rules. When it comes to insecurity, the mind is most often focused on other people's perception of you, their judgments, their criticisms. You start thinking, who do I need to be, how do I need to act so they don't judge me, they don't criticize me, they don't look down on me. And that's going to be a difficult way to get through the day because (1) you don’t actually know what other people are thinking about you and (2) even if you did, there’s not much you can do about it. Trying to change who you are based on what other people are thinking about you is going to be crazy making, because it's not really what they're thinking about you, it's what you think they're thinking about you. It makes me dizzy just thinking about it.
The bottom line is, you can't control the perception of others. And hey, let’s face it, there will always be people out there who just aren’t going to like you. Period. No matter what you do, even if you're an amazing human being and you accomplish extraordinary things, there are going to be other humans out there who will decide they don't like you and they're going to judge you and they're going to criticize you. You can turn yourself inside out, upside down, and all around, and guess what? They still won’t like you.
So instead of focusing on trying to meet the expectations of others, Guillermo needs to focus on who he wants to strive to be for himself. When he catches himself acting in a way that he thinks someone else expects him to behave, he can stop, recognize that insecurity is present, and then ask himself the questions: How do I want to show up in my life? What is the energy I want to carry forward? What beliefs do I want to align with? Who do I want to be in the world? He can then name the expectation of himself and do his best to meet that expectation, not the expectations of others.
And at the end of the day, if you look at yourself in the mirror and you go, I feel great about who I was today, then who gives a flying f#$k what anybody else thinks? Keep this in mind: their perception of you is informed by who they are with themselves. When somebody looks at you and makes a judgment of you or is critical of you, they're not actually judging you or being critical of you; they're being critical and judgmental of themselves. They have their own perception of reality that they're managing, and they just happen to be focused on you. If you weren't in front of them, they'd have the exact same judgments and criticisms about somebody else, right? And in the event that you weren't who you wanted to be that day, don't beat yourself up. Just take a note, Hey, that's who I was, here's how I could do it better.
The other side, or rule, around insecurity is your own expectations of yourself, your own perception of who you should be. And it's usually tied to a fear of failure. What if I go out and try to do this thing and I fail? What if I go out and I try to start a new company or I try a new role in my job or my career and I completely blow it? Insecurity shows up because we have this idea in our mind that we're supposed to already be good at stuff. Which is going to be a tough row to hoe, because in order to be good at anything we’re going to be bad at it first.
Don’t ask Carolina to go snow skiing. Or to play tennis. Or to go bowling. Or anything, really, that requires any kind of practice to be good at. At least, that’s the advice her friends would give you. Which is sad, because Carolina wants to do those things, but she’s so unpleasant to be around while doing them that her friends have pretty much given up. Her boyfriend tried to teach her to ski and after taking a couple spills on the bunny slope, she brandished her ski pole like a sword and threatened to skewer him if he didn’t get her off the mountain immediately.
We could dig into all the reasons why Carolina is filled with insecurity around being good at things, like a particularly humiliating experience on the soccer field when she was five years old, but that’s not really the point. The insecurity is there and it’s taking a toll on Carolina’s enjoyment of life. But the plain and simple truth is, nobody starts out good at anything. To become great at something means first giving yourself permission to not know how to do it in the front end. Show up, opt in for the process, and hopefully learn to enjoy the journey of the process, the learning journey, the developmental journey, the growth journey.
And then finally, insecurity is the byproduct of thinking we're supposed to be perfect or execute something perfectly. The reality is, we're never going to attain the thing called perfection as a human being. If you're executing in your career, or you want to be a great partner to your significant other, or a great parent to your children, or you’re looking to build health and vitality in the body, you're never going to do any of that perfectly. You're going to make mistakes and you're going to miss the mark. But if your expectation is that you're supposed to be perfect and you're never supposed to miss your moral compass and you're always supposed to act with ultimate integrity and essentially be a superhero, then you're going to drive with insecurity.
So instead of making your focus being perfect, make your focus learning and growing and progressing toward the outcomes that you choose to achieve. If you want to create confidence and a sense of empowerment and ultimately make the journey fun, focus on who you want to become and start moving toward that for yourself. And keep in mind, perfectionists tend to be masters of imperfection because they see imperfection everywhere they go. Don't be a perfectionist! Instead, be a master of growth, a master of development, a master of the evolution of yourself and your talents, and make your goal to assess accurately and then get a little better along the way. That's going to develop an extraordinary capacity within you, and that's going to translate to confidence, empowerment, and hopefully a lot of fun and joy along the way.
So if you’re ready to kick insecurity to the curb, join us for a Power Series program. We’ll provide you with the tools, techniques, and strategies for recognizing when insecurity is present and how to shift your emotions, thoughts and nervous system toward achieving the results you’re looking for. Click HERE to learn more about the Power Series and sign up today!
